I Wish She Were Right

Today I broke up with my girlfriend. My girlfriend whom I loved, and still love. My girlfriend whom I wished to marry and go make a Happily Ever After with.

There is a hole, a painful, aching, empty hole in my heart right now that I can only pray will someday hurt less, because I know deep down that it will never, ever heal or be filled again. I am crying harder than I have ever cried before as I write this, and while I desperately hope she'll read this and never forget the wonderful times we had together, I am terrified both that she'll never speak to me again and that she will. I do not want this. I want to hold her, to tell her I love her, tell her everything will be okay. I want to feel her holding on to me again, laughing at the same silly things together, protesting together sharing the same little intimacies again.

I have not hated myself this hard since my discharge from the navy. I have never wanted to die this badly before in my life. Jamie I love you and I do not want to live without you...but I can't keep fighting with you, I cant keep living each day in fear of some silly little disagreement exploding to WW3, and I cannot keep trying to navigate between what you say you want and what you really want or between what you say and what you mean. I only ever wanted to love you, care for you and help you become whatever you want to be...and to be loved by you in return.

I hate myself now more than I have ever hated myself before. I honestly have no more reason to live. Maybe, someday, I will find a reason again, but nothing will ever replace you or what we had together. I pray, again, to god I don't believe in, that you find what you truly want in this life, that you are happy and fulfilled...and that you can look back at me with something other that hate and resentment.
I wish I were the heartless, emotionless bastard she says I am. Then I might be able to survive this.